Really like listening to Yes now. Find them unbearably funky. Love Steve Howe' slicks, Chris Squire booming bass and Jon Anderson's shrilly vocals. They're fantastic, man! Dunno y I didn't really like them last time.

About two years after I was born again, and jus after joining World Harvest (then Kingdom Harvest), I had an impression that my bride-to-be was coming. Only just a few weeks ago, I realised that it wasn't a girl but Jesus Christ, my bride..... Strange, yeah?

I realise I really loved Dylan during the 1965-66 phase and wished he was like dat all the time. Sheesh! Listened to the acoustic part of his "Royal Albert Hall" concert until I fell asleep yesterday.

Finally tried to reward myself by picking up a total stranger for sex yesterday.

Finally got the CoQ10. Yeah not so lethargic anymore.

Has got the hots for Christy. She'll probably be my next gf.

Met Philip Chai in court today. He was fed-up with my recalcitrancy as usual for the opponent.

Supposed to be fasting today but scared I'd relapse to medicine cos it's Monday so I didn't fast.

Yay! One month free from smokes today. Sort of heading towards promiscuity anyway since so many chicks I'd like to bed.

Slept the whole day today.

Really getting fed-up with blogging. Seems like nobody reads it anyway. Well, bought some dietary supplements yesterday. Vitamin D and Calcium cos it supposedly prevents colon cancer. Ginkgo Biloba cos seemingly pretty difficult to think and concentrate but this supposedly increases blood flow to the brain.

Watched SPL and Piano Teacher yesterday. Both are good but at different ends of the rainbow/spectrum really. Former about supremacy of gangsters and how bad policeman get when dealing with them and the latter about strange love. SPL got a very down beat ending and they re-shot the ending for Malaysia but hey! this is the director's original version so who cares if the reshot was better. I'm not complaining. Anybody reading my blog at all?

Really nothing at all to post today. Just read the Men's Health magazine. Said it's better to style hair when dry. I did that this morning, no difference also.

A month free from cigarettes already.

Went to gym last night. Kinda puzzled why I seem to have more lethargic muscles. Atrophying perhaps?

Managed to gain 7 kgs. Fuck shit man! How am I gonna lose all that?

Broke off all contact with Kok Peng yesterday. What a bastard! Wanna go after Caroline.

Damn fucking fed-up with Freedom From Smoking message board. Not posting there anymore. Can't express myself also. Listened to Sheila On 7's "Pria Terhebat" again this morning. The triumvirate of "Itu Aku", "Pilihlah Aku" and "Pemuja Rahasia" still rocks my ass, man. Met Jenny yesternight. Pretty boring meet up. Had some crap Tortellini in Piccolo Mundo.

So funny day today had to post twice. Seems like my problem is deeper than it seems. Was feeling all sorts of persecutory thoughts yesterday about sex. Yet when I tried to masturbate, the problems felt like fixing, Still think they're testing out my willpower. Cos was feeling so shitty yesterday and needed a smoke so badly. Nope, not gonna smoke at all.

Father is on assumption it's all about Caroline but it's more my horniness and Cheng Cheng. Have to re-adjust to her frequency again. I seem to think both our illnesses are related. Seems both of us ought to be well if we slept with each other.

Furthermore, the NSB is not as simple as it seems either.

Was going bonkers yesterday. Don really know the reason y also. Had a jab of Kemadrine and it was alright. Had 25 mgs of Olanzapine also. Something to do with Cheng Cheng not giving me sex.

Really nothing much work to do today. How arr? Just discussed the profundity of "Rumble Fish" with Jenny C this morning. It seems it's true that Siamese fighting fish won't try to kill each other if there is more space around them. They're only fighting for more space in the glass jars or aquaria. So put them in a river or drain then. Haven't really caught onto all the nuances of the movie but this bit about rumble fish seems pretty profound.

Listening to Nick Drake again. Brilliant! File somewhere between Van Morrison and John Martyn I suppose.

Nothing really much to post today. Just that No Direction Home, the Bob Dylan documentary is pretty good. Dissects him and his heroes. And those 60's folk music purveyors like John Jacob Niles and Odetta are really way cool. Not so sure about Dylan emulating Woody Guthrie, though. Woody is Woody and Bobby D. is Bobby D. Bob looked like a fresh-faced kid in the early TV broadcasts. Go back to college!

Date with Cheng Cheng went well today. Loved the movie we saw - My Super Ex-GF. Uma Thurman's reactions when he dumped her was akin and similar to mine during dumping by Caroline.

Was on a DVD spending spree yesterday. Got some stuff I really loved - Brazil by Terry Gilliam, Brian De Palma's Phantom of the Paradise and Le Samourai - that French Nouveau Vague classic that I have not got to watching for the past ten years but have always wanted to watch. Got some porn also but two of them are really not that sinful but actually quite good movies.

Today went and bought No Direction Home - Martin Scorsese's Bob Dylan documentary (rockumentary?) and Rumble Fish - cos I really loved that Stan Ridgway (from Wall of Voodoo) and Stewart Copeland song - Don't Box Me In. Hope that they have it on the DVD just as advertised on the back of the box. Unlike Brazil supposed to contain "What is Brazil?" featurette but not there. Oh well!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was out with Cheng Cheng today. Kinda frisky I was. But she's like half-dead anyway. Just relying on my empathy for love to her. Lust and hormones are gone now that I had so much sex with Caroline. Heard the Fort Minor song again - Where'd you go? It's the theme song of Patroline - Patrick + Caroline. Gonna focus all my attention on Nick Drake CD afterwards. I had it for so long but never realised it's so brilliant until yesterday night.

Other than that, still want to join NSB. When are they contacting me ler?

Just bought Ali Farka Toure and Toumani Diabate's In the Heart of the Moon CD. Pretty cool ethnic Malian music. Jazzy and uplifting. Even much more so uplifting than the praise and worship Christian songs I adore so much. Also got Juanes' Mi Sangre cos I really like his melding of salsa and rock. Feeling pretty damn good today cos back with Cheng Cheng, my on-off gf. Also had that moment of epiphany/revelation just now on the LRT that Allan Carr, writer of "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking" talked about. That I'm free from the Nico-Demon. Also went to Court this morning. Was looking at the Court police uniform and thinking back about the NSB uniforms and how cool I would look wearing an NSB uniform.

Nothing much to post today. Seems like I'm getting bored with the whole NSB thingie and my political thrust anyway. Saw that cute belly button stud chick on the LRT this morning. Might approach her during Body Combat class in gym or in LRT itself. Dunno what's the response though. Feel like training some female ninjas. Ha ha ha! Listening to the Police's Synchronicity now. Still sound as great as when I first heard it. Coolzilla!

Lots of my Freedom From Smoking buddies consider me taking a cigar yesterday to be a relapse. Oh well! Bought some DVDs yesterday. One is a tribute to Brian Wilson by other artistes. Some pretty good stuff! A very nice rendition of Surfer Girl by Paul Simon. Also, very good Sail On, Sailor! by Darius Rucker (Hootie) and Matthew Sweet. Was very aroused by Carly Simon's partially transparent blouse. The other 2 DVDs were Yes Live and Yes Greatest Hits. Since buying their Greatest Hits CD, I am very into Yes now. Not a genre-defining band but Steve Howe's guitar licks and Bill Bruford's drum rolls rock.

Had a cigar this morning but no inhalation. I don consider it a relapse. So neither telling my parents nor the nurse at the kick smoking clinic. Did not go to the talk about Salleh Abas yesterday. Either some idiot hexing me not to go or I got no mood. Got a hair cut yesterday so ought to be receiving that admiration look from Joanna today. Ha ha ha!

Still indecisive whether to call for a referendum on Operasi Lalang detainees. Not very sure about making Badawi's administration that open to the floodgates of litigation. On the brighter side, if the Lina Joy case is upheld, it may be that Muslim Malays here can actually become Christian. Whatever the ourcome, it'll be a joy to read, that case, still undecided whether civil courts can out Syariah jursidiction or not. My fren insinuated she might suddenly disappear. Murdered? I really doubt my secret police frens are that ruthless. Tonight will be going to the Tun Salleh Abas talk in Chinese Assembly Hall.

Still missing terribly the first morning rush of the first cigarrette in the morning. Went for a seminar on Bio-Young on Sat. Pretty much getting people to generate more spam. Geeez! Nothing much to post today. Had a leaflet on sexual sins and prohibitions in the Bible. Might be following it or might not. Depends on my mood.

Woke up from a nap with a craving for a death stick really bad. Cos want to wipe away the haziness of my dream-wake state. Just have to bear with it I guess. Went to church this morning. After all that has happened with Caroline, find myself not really that desperate or hard-up anymore. Seems like nobody really got the hots for me in church anyway. Ee Bee was rather disassociative with me today. So are the rest. Oh well!

Forgotten to publish a post yesterday. Seems to rather alright today everything. Managed to track down Citizens International which claimed they want to motivate the citizens of Malaysia in all-out war against graft and corruption. Seems like it was my idea first. Thought plagiarism? You decide........ Monday am going to find out SUHAKAM, SUARAM, Human Rights Watch, Amnesty International, DAP, Aliran and Keadilan's e-mail to push Badawi into making a referendum on Operasi Lalang. Later on Monday attending talk on re-opening the case of Tun Salleh Abas' sacking by Mahathir in 1988.

Listening to me Mogwai CD now. Nothing really that great. Paid a lot for it though. I really not into rock instrumentals which is what this Mogwai CD is mostly. But sounds rather ok today. Got gym later at 8pm with a personal trainer session. Actually what is the purpose of blogging? Seems like I keep a diary for everybody to read. Ha ha ha! Called Caroline and I'm resigned to being platonic with her now. Wonder when the National Security Branch people will ferry me to HQ? Will be purchasing a car soon cos got pay increment and saved money from no smokes. Jezzz!

Really dunno what to post today. Damn fed up. Saw my psychiatrist just now. Seems like my schizophrenia is coming back so my medication is intensified. Pin it down to Caroline and the National Security Branch and my stopping smoking as well. Damn!

Everything's coming to a head now. Just about a hair's breadth away from being employed by the National Security Branch (Malaysian CIA). Not to say it's not worth it but it has been a bad 10 years really. Ever since that weird police dude tried to recruit me into NSB, lots of weird stuff has been happening. The things in the GH psycho ward was so damn weird. Internal Affairs Special Branch were there. Investigating crazy narco-police. Then the incident were I arrested 47 people under ISA. All madness? U decide. Then my telepathy powers. Caroline thinks I'm not insane. You be the judge. They asked me to buy the KGB book. Seems MI6 wants me to dissemninate info from Mitrokhin with them but heck, I dunno much. It all started in the UK I guess, probably MI6 harvested me first.

Then they inculcated Islamic blessing to me. Which was alright until I met Pastor Kenneth. His anointing fell on me, impartation until I was totally screwed up. Add to the fact I was messing about with the occult and black magic. I got hospitalised for a burst appendix. That put me off the NSB for 2 years cos I suspect the gangster bomohs cast a hex on me to rupture it but then again, I doubt they're that powerful. Then I started discussing the NSB again and quess what happened? They used black magic to seep into my willpower and made me try to off myself. But my willpower is damn strong now. Won't even resort to a single stick of fag. Even if the pressure is overwhelming. I suppose I'm not that susceptible to torture now. But then again, I'm a psychic spy and all anybody can inflict is psi-torture.

10 days of being smoke free. Still pretty ok today. Caroline still don wanna get back with me. Though I plead, I beg, I bargain. She still says no. What do I have to do to get her back again?

On a week off ciggies already. Nearly relapsed on Sunday due to Caroline leaving me. Everything ok so far. No more urge to smoke but still feeling withdrawal symptoms. Crankiness, depression and lethargic. Yesterday was so full of rage I shouted at my senior partner and insinuated a lot of stuff about Caroline. Everything is fine today.